The Force of Obama

Vox:

If Obama proves that he can curl 10 reps with each arm using 70-pound dumbbells after doing a set of 30 with 35-pounders, I will publicly endorse him in a WND column because there clearly isn't anything that the man cannot do.

In the comments section there, nick digger (7/27/08 7:42 PM) left this gem:

He breathes deeply in and out and takes a sip of water from his 0,5 litre Evian bottle. He glances at the bicycle again. She is glistening from his audacious show of force; she cannot but submit to his iron will. Prostrate, she lies, inviting.

He struts over to her, flexing his pectorals, alternately, then in unison. Slowly but firmly he strokes her saddle with his middle finger in a circular motion - twice clockwise, thrice counter-clockwise. She quivers before him. If she only had vocal cords, "TAKE ME!! RAVISH ME, YOU SOMEWHAT NEGROISH STUD!!!", she'd cry. But that cruel bitch Fate has made her a bicycle, and granted her no vocal cords.

All she can do is passively hope, with every ounce of steel and aluminium, every washer and grommet of her being. "Mnnnn!" He places his left foot on her. "Could it --- ? Ahhh." She lists portward as he places his full weight on her left pedal, then over her, he swings his right leg, landing on her right pedal, as she sways back to right herself. "Oh, please!!!..."

He playfully freewheels. "Should I start with my right or left?" "Right", he opts. He presses downward, then stops halfway. "No, left." He backs up 180 degrees, standing off her saddle, then THRUSTS his left foot into her. "Unggh!" He pauses briefly, then Right. "Oooohh!" Left. "Gasp!" Right. He lowers himself into her saddle, grinding his sweaty, muscular buttocks into her, and gradually quickens his rhythm. (He gets that from his father's side.)

I'm still laughing.