A Classic Response to Idiots
Hideous Hinchey

The Quest for Sanity

My favorite comics-based movies are:

  1. Superman
  2. Batman Returns
  3. Spider-Man 2

Even after the glut of comics-based movies recently, Superman remains at the top of my list. That's why, long ago, it was very painful to watch the 4th Superman movie. It is by far the worst movie I've ever watched.

Now, I just read a long and scathing review of Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. It explains with minute detail the sheer atrociousness of this movie:

... the film buried the Superman series in a kryptonite coffin.

Bryan Singer might, just might, tear apart that coffin.

By the way, what’s the deal with the whole Children’s Letters to the President thing? You know what I mean. A debate is going on about some complicated issue, like whether signing the Kyoto Treaty or some chemical arms treaty is actually in our national interest. Sure enough, some local news channel will feature a class of second graders whose teacher has had them crayon notes to the White House saying things like, "Mr. President, please stop the pollution. It scares me. Signed, Billy." This sentiment would presumably be accompanied a picture of a crying tree or something.

No, the dumb kid's comments are enough.

The problem, you see, is nuclear weapons, not the nature of some of the regimes that have them. Nuclear weapons are as bad when held by democratic nations, as intrinsically dangerous and immoral, as those owned by totalitarian states such as the USSR and China. This belief blossoms from the proposition that no form of government is fundamentally more prone to using force than any other. If the USSR and China have gigantic militaries, it’s not because they might actually wish to use them imperialistically, if given the chance. It’s rather that they fear the huge militaries of their superpower counterparts, primarily America, and seek to counterbalance them. Thus, if a ‘neutral’ figure, like Superman – hence the opening scene where he saves the Russian space station – were to arrive on the scene and offer, nay, demand, to be given control of their stockpile of nuclear arms, even totalitarian regimes would be relieved to hand them over. Because, really, they don’t want to have them any more than we do.

America is the problem. If only the cowboy Americans didn't have nukes, the world would readily disarm. NOT.

Luthor has created a "genetic stew" from Superman’s DNA. If attached to a nuclear missile the result will be Superman’s "worst nightmare, a ‘Nuclear Man.’ " Lex is surprisingly specific about this prospective being’s powers. "He’ll pierce [Superman’s] skin. He’ll make him mortal. He’ll become sick." How does Luthor know all this? My guess is that he read the script.

Your guess is correct.

... the blond Nuclear Man, adorned in the gaudy black and gold costume the computer "weaved" for him, emerges. Energy crackles over him and his eyes glow orange, letting us know that he’s EEEE-vil. We also are shown that he sports long, equally EEEE-vil Lee Nuclear Press-On Nails. Grinning in a, well, EEEE-vil fashion, he flies off towards Earth.

Muhahaha ... this movie sucks so bad ... sob.

OK, here things get a little silly. Seriously. To cut NM off from his source of power – although again, how these two always know where the other one is remains a mystery – Superman pushes the Moon from its orbit to create a lunar eclipse. (!!) This causes NM, currently flying through space with Lacy (!!!!) to lose power. Say, did anyone connected with this film get that there’s no air in space?! Just wondering. Not only that.  When NM loses power, Lacy doesn’t start drifting away, she starts fallingdownward’. Finally, the bluescreen and matte effects here are just terrible. Really, they outright suck. Calling them laughable would be praising them with faint damn.

There is air in space. Haven't you learned anything from Star Wars?

Our Hero appears, flits around, and then looks at the camera. He looks into the camera, smiles, and then flies away. It’s a touching sendoff for a series that, however crappy it would ultimately become, started out being pretty darn good. Admittedly for this film, the sequence is too little, too late. Still, it’s something. Bye, Christopher Reeve-Superman.

Final nail in the coffin: That touching sendoff was shot by Richard Donner who directed the first, and part of the second, superman movie.


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