Halaal Pornography

[This post was initially published on December 1, 2006 at 12:12 a.m.]

Pornography will be a benchmark for liberty in the Muslim world.

How so? Let me explain.

Understand: when I say pornography, I'm including everything from Playboy to the most hardcore, um, stuff. Westerners might think that this definition is too broad but for many Muslims any woman without a burqa is hardcore.

Currently in almost all the Islamic lands, women have few, if any, rights. Men always come first and women come second (or sometimes not at all). Women should have the right to make their sexual or sensual choices. Pornography will thus be the ultimate expression of women's freedom in Dar al-Islam.

Of course, this doesn't mean that Muslims have to approve the whole enterprise. They also don't have to encourage their children to go into the adult entertainment industry. What it does mean is that they don't harm those who make that choice. That is the logic of liberty. 

Another beneficial aspect: sexual tension among the sexes will be diminished. This will lead to a lessening of Jihad recruits. Of course, their numbers won't be fully eliminated since one can find numerous Jihadists among the sex-saturated West. But it'll certainly make an impact on those who piously dig Allah for the (imaginary) chicks.

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Here, I offer a small list of Muslim-made adult titles from the future. These, in my opinion, are going to be megahits among the umma.

10. Burqa on Burqa.

A simple movie where fully clothed women touch each other. HAWT!

9. Look at the Ankle, LOOK AT THE ANKLE!

The very first adult movie filmed in Arabia. (And in HD!) The director takes his camera around the city of Riyadh and pays women anywhere from 20 to 100 riyals to show their ankles (gasp!). The Mutaween, the religious police, have little to work with: ankle ID is not very scientific.

8. Yes Allah, YES!

The camera only shows the moving bare shoulders and the faces of the Muslim women as they keep on saying, "Yes Allah" over and over again. In each scene, the dialogue builds up to a spectacular crescendo.

The film is simultaneously confusing and supremely mesmerizing for the Muslims.

7. What's Under the Burqa?

99% of the single male population finally gets to see the truth. Of course, it sets them free. Also, the Mutaween explode with anger.

6. Make Love Not Jihad

Fatwas are issued from every corner of the world for this one. Instead of screwing the infidels the lead actors start screwing each other. The flick is derided as the work of the devil. Yet, somehow, it manages to be the top seller for its year of release.

5. Pearls For You, Habibi

"And round about them will (serve) boys of everlasting youth. If you see them, you would think them scattered pearls."

Another entry in the Arab-gay genre, another hit.

4. Who's Your Abu?

There is initial confusion after its release.

First Guy: Hey did you watch the, you know, new movie?

Second Guy: What's it called?

First Guy: Who's Your Abu?

Second Guy: Omar bin Abdul. Why do you ask?

3. The Fitna Brigades

The greatest Arab lesbian movie of all time. Famously, mosque attendance spirals into a nose dive and never recovers. Fitna, indeed.

2. Fatima and Goldberg

The imam and mullahs get enraged over the fact that a Muslim women dares to star with a Jew. Still, it becomes the favorite movie of Muslim women. Goldberg is such a gentleman and oh so infidelicious!

1. Muhammad Does Makkah

Truly a glorious historical epic. It showcases the heroic prophet Muhammad's return to Makkah. What follows is the most famous orgy ever captured on screen. The fact that the director manages to get an all-male cast and shoot on location in the holy city lends this movie an authentic feel.

The very last line delivered by Muhammad* as he finishes off Kareem says it all: "Is very nice!"

* The actor who portrays the prophet, Mo. Ron, has a striking resemblance to this fellow**.

** By this, I mean no disrespect to Mr. Jeremy.